Losing this baby weight...An uncensored look into MY body image after baby

Today I have decided to start trying to lose this weight.. I gained about 75 lbs when I was pregnant with Emma.. and I haven't dropped that much since I had her.. I dread getting dressed and getting undressed even more..
I have been breastfeeding since day 1 and I haven't seen lbs dropping off like I was told when I first made my decision to BF...WTH?  Well I will take full responsibility for my dumpy figure.. I have been eating whatever I want for months and months now with little to no exercise.. so I guess I can't blame anyone but myself.. (I do however tell Emma she made mommy fat ) When I look @ my wedding pics and I look in the mirror...the girl in the mirror OBVIOUSLY ate the girl in the pics. Sometimes I see my ribs.. when I suck in my stomach of course.. but I like seeing them again.. Hey guys!! I promise you that soon you will get more than 15 seconds of fame.. ya know until sucking in my stomach begins to feel TOO MUCH like work..
Who is this fat chick in the mirror seriously? I feel like a totally different person... I feel kinda shallow sometimes at the way I feel about myself now.. I remember getting "checked out " by passer byers.. yea.. that doesnt happen anymore.. I actually caught a lady glancing @ my belly trying to figure out if I was just fat or in early stages of pregnancy. I was nothing short of mortified. This isnt me.. I am not this person I have "grown" into.
I know I am in there.. under this padding.
I think of going clothes shopping and I want to cry. Sometimes I dread even leaving the house. And in no way am I saying anything about overweight people in general.. this is just about me and the way I feel about MYSELF.
I feel like its getting to the point of no return.. I need to do something NOW ..
So today.. will be the 1st day of my new lifestyle.. no crash diets or eating disorders.. I am gonna do this the old-fashioned way..watching what I eat.. and working out. I hope by beach time I will be able to wear something other than the sweat pants I rock EVERY day now.
Wish me luck..

the before picture.. (this is a brave move)

I am hoping I will be able to post an "after" pic where I look similar to I did this time last year

Sleeping like a baby ?

These days I swear everyone is sleeping better than me.. Emma sometimes sleeps thru the night.. but sometimes she likes to wake up for a midnight snack.. usually when I work the next day ..why not?
And when Emma goes to sleep.... I can't sleep.. and as soon as I go to fall asleep....she wakes up.. She's lucky she's super cute. :)

Trying to get boogiebear to fall asleep in her swing..

I have to say I am getting the hang of this mommy thing.. I am pretty damn proud of myself.. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I am doing a pretty awesome job :) And Emma's smiles are worth the sleepless nights and the spit up on my shoulder...<3 

And.. she is finally asleep
The swing works every time :)

My fuzzy daughter is sleeping

Emma is 3 months and 3 weeks old!

Emma on Easter :)

Ok.. so we have to basically pry this chubby little fist out of her mouth ! Besides milk her hand is her FAVORITE thing to eat!! 

One of Emma's Easter pics. one of many with her hand in her mouth <3

Well.. Emma rolled over once from her back to her belly.. but hasnt done it since.. Sometimes she tries but most of the time.. she really doesnt care much about it.. She will do it on her own time I guess. <3

Tummy time 

Her Easter pics went really well ! Until she was hungry....

Baby meltdown.

The best Easter present ever... my 1st gift from my little girl ;)

Emma's 1st Easter :)

Her very 1st Easter basket!!

vote for emma!!!!

http://photos.parents.com/parents-cover-contest-2011/17/2011/5891

She is gonna have this name forever..choose carefully

How did you get your name? How did you choose your kids' names?? Very carefully I would assume.
Sometimes I think maybe choosing Emma's name was too easy.. I kinda went with the 1st and ONLY name me and Bradley agreed on.. I said Emma.. and that was that. Bradley liked it .. I liked it.. Emma it is.
Her middle name was in memory of my dad.. Jo.. my dad's name was Joe he died August 14, 2008 . So since she will never know her Pop Pop Ray we decided to name her after him.

So if you told me 5 years ago I would be calling my daughter Emma.. I would have never believed you.. well one because I swore I would never have kids and two... well Emma.. thats just so plain and old fashioned..

But now as I look at that face.. Emma Jo is a perfect name for her..

See I always wanted a "different" name.. a name others didnt have.. maybe some would think it was weird.. but it would definitely be unique.. maybe teachers couldn't pronounce it.. but hey.. it will be "Cool" ...
Then I get pregnant... and start thinking of how every name I find can be made fun of by kids.. or how the teacher won't be able to pronounce it ( and being a Tanya with a short vowel sound and an A in my name.. I know ALL about this) Suddenly.. this plain.. old fashioned name was perfect..

the best life lesson of all...

With being a mother so many things change in your life .. its actually crazy if you sit back (if you can find time to) & think about ALL the things that are completely different now & things I .. I know I have and it's a pretty lengthy list!!

1.  My schedule is no longer my own
2.  I dont get that .. "take your bra off after a long day" feeling anymore (on having to wear a bra 24/7 due to BF'ing)
3.  I swear I have mastered the ability to sleep with one eye open
4.  Eating a meal is no longer a joyful , peaceful event.. its normally to the soundtrack of a crying baby ( I swear she knows when I am eating and starts to cry almost every time)
5.  Bodily fluids no longer repulse me,they actually bring me joy sometimes
6.  When going some where it takes alot longer to get ready now
7.  Now I am mindful of what I do and whether or not its healthy for me (I have said no to tanning...I will be pale from now on)
8.  I am now one of those moms in the restaurant with my baby on my lap bouncing her and eating my food with my other hand
9.  I am now one those annoying moms that post 1.5 million pics of their baby & I dont care who likes it or not.
10.  I now cry everytime I see someone on tv giving birth
11.  I understand why people get pregnant again.. yes I said it. You were right.. I forget how sucky pregnancy was all I can think about is how great it is to be a mommy and even though delivery is pretty scary.. I would consider doing it again..dont tell my husband.. he will have a heart attack
12.  I have learned to live off of only a few hours of sleep
13.  I will do anything no matter how dumb I look to make her laugh
14.  I realize why my parents were so protective
15.  I have learned no matter what your parenting style is .. .someone is gonna have something to say about it
16.  I would have never thought 10 years ago.. I would be breastfeeding (this one surprises me everyday)
17.  The strength I found within in myself.. its nothing short of amazing..
18.  I learned mothers DO have super powers
19.  One little smile makes my whole day
20.  I no longer come first in my life
21.  I was as ready as I ever could have been to be a mother
22.  Instinct takes over..and you really dont have to take classes or anything.. everything just fits into place somehow.. I spent 9 months stressing.. thinking I wasnt ready.. being scared of what it would be like.. Now.. I dont know how I lived life before without Emma in it <3

Emma's Closet, Entering into the Crafty side of mommyhood!

My little princess EmJo AKA Boogiebear

Hey ! It's been awhile, sorry for slacking .. but I haven't had much time to update this. Despite my lack of patience and time I have started being a crafty mommy :) I have started making those adorable oversize flower headbands and recently have started making bows !! I figure at 30 years young and a new mommy.. what's a better time than this to start being a crafter! I never had a hobby til now...sad right? It's nice to have something to do besides changing diapers (lol) I can't believe I am actually anticipating going to the craft store this week.. wow.. who am i again? 

Emma sporting one of the flower headbands I made, this one is reserved for a special little baby :)

I have decided to try and start my own little business...via FB/Ebay/Etsy...trying to make some extra cash to support my baby clothes habit. I started my own business page on FB called Emma's Closet http://www.facebook.com/pages/Emmas-Closet/200814869959530. It's a start up .. so don't judge. 

I have put a couple items on Ebay just to see how they do. If I had a yard I would totally have a yard sale this summer and sell crafts..But we live in an apartment complex :( with no yards.. I don't think the management would appreciate a yard sale/craft sale on the common grounds.. let alone this uptight seniors .. Maybe I will check with my friends that have houses and see if that would be a possibility this summer!! (Light bulb)

I am gonna try and branch out too and start making hair accessories for an older crowd as well. As it stands now.. all the clips I make can be clipped directly into the hair OR clipped on to the crocheted headbands :) So they are pretty versatile..I am actually considering wearing the flowers in my hair this summer with some messy waves or clipped into a messy bun. 

The reason for the hair accessories.. well I think it's because Emma was born with an impressive amount of hair on her cute little head so she can already wear little ponytails and barrettes in her locks :)

Look at all that hair! Not too shabby for a 3 month old! right? and btw.. they are all my flower clips around her ;)

And these clips were a big hit with my 6 yr old (almost 7 yr old) step daughter Alex this past weekend. 

Alex wearing one my flower clips clipped on to a pink crocheted headband..these are def not just for babies!!

Alex sporting one of my bows I made too! (ps..this is my favorite bow so far) Perfect for the Spring season!!

My little munchkin wearing one of my headbands ;) and a tutu made by my friend Ashley!
Emma is either trying to eat the tutu or hide in it.. either way I friggin love this pic. :)

I will have more items for sale soon!! I am hoping everyone loves them as much as I do!! I cant wait for parties and bbqs this summer so I can dress my princess up !!! 

Me and the wittle baybay :)

So make sure you check out my page on FB!! coming soon to Etsy!! :) Have a great day xoxox

Well I turned out okay....right???

I often wonder how Emma is gonna turn out, will she love rollercoasters like me or be leery of the teacups like her father (sorry Bradley but its true ) , will she be a busybody like me or relaxed like daddy..
One thing I am going to try and make sure of.. is that she doesn't end up a spoiled brat. The deal breaker.. of deal breakers for me.. I refuse to have a temper tantrum throwing smart mouth daughter..The kinda child that will turn her nose up at a gift because it's not what she wanted and/or its not "nice" enough for her.. My mother and father did a great job with me and my sister in this department..from as far back as I can remember ..I was told to always act like every present I open is the best thing in the world even if it's a chewed up piece of gum..act like its what we always wanted, because its the thought that counts not the cost or quality of the gift but the thought that went into it.. that person thought of you..even if it was a night shirt that you got EVERY Christmas from the same aunt.. I would react like it was exactly what I always wanted..

Now some people will argue this and say.. well I don't want my kids to lie .. Okay.. so you would rather them throw a temper tantrum in front of their elderly grandmother after they open a sweater she made them by hand with love...just because they didn't want or need another sweater..?? Okay well if that's what you want them by all means..your choice.
I have said time and time again it is YOUR choice how you raise YOUR children ..so my choice is to instill values ...teach manners and that there are consequences for your actions..

Now back to my original question.. How will Emma turn out? Will all these precautions and foolproof plan work? It's hard to say.. Nature Vs. Nurture the big debate. I come from a close knit immediate family..Where Christmases and other holidays were hosted by my grandmother and most , close to all of my mom's side of the family would get together and exchange presents... I come from a childhood of having aunts and uncles being involved in my life even if it were just during the holidays. Now that was my mom's side of the family..My dad's..well that was a completely different situation.. I can't even really remember a time where my dad's family were together at the same time, except for my grandparent's funerals.. sad..yes.. but for my dad..this was normal.. maybe not right.. but it was all he ever knew. Even when my father died..his own brother didn't come to his funeral, What did he do that his brother wouldn't come you ask?..Well nothing..people are just different..I guess. Some people value family and friendships more than others and is this because of their genes..Did /Does my father's family act like this because they were born like this or were they "made" to be like this?

Now with my grandmother deceased...the closeness left with her..Was it my grandmother that kept the family together? Did the family value each other... or did they just do it for my grandmom?..again hard to say..
Can I make sure Emma has what I had? Well to an extent..I can't affect people's free will.
For her baby shower, I can count on one hand how many family members attended..very sad..and I hate to think that Emma will miss out on having what I had. But then again I think back.. Christmases at my grandmom's house.. now it seems that everyone was just doing what my grandmom wanted..after she passed besides her funeral..and my father's funeral..have I seen everyone together again...Nope. So my point being.. why would I want to force people to be involved in my child's life.. well I don't want that for her.
So I am hoping she always appreciates the people that do choose to be in her life and not dwell over the ones who don't. Will she be understanding of this? Well I hope so. The family that she does have loves her very much and I promise her I will provide her with more love than she could even imagine.

Emma with mommy and daddy :)

Will Emma always have the best toys?  Will she always have the latest fashions and latest toys? No.. Will she always be loved , Yes.

So I guess I will have to wait to see what lovely person she becomes..and all I can do is love her and teach her ... and watch her become the beautiful person I already know she is :)

Mommy Loves You Emmy